Recently we (Becks and Kage) were reminiscing on one of the most glorious days we could never remember- Homecoming.
Now if you were like me, you would have spent the previous week in the local sketchy-as-balls hospital because you were dying of diseases no one has ever heard of before, probably as a result of drinking out of cups that were equally disgusting.
Everyone else, on the other hand, started the game (and no, I do not mean football) bright and early. If there is any nation-wide drinking marathon to be held, it is certainly Homecoming-when else do guys get to see the girls strut around in their alma mater’s jerseys and shorts and girls get to see their school’s star athletes in prime form? Plus, everyone’s favorite (and least favorite) alums come rolling back to campus, usually with plenty of drinks in their trunk-see exhibit A.
Exhibit A:
BECKS:
“tell pacco i heart him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Anyways, we came up with a wonderful set of rules regarding HC, with the original list sent to quite a few people by a very intoxicated Becks. She not only outlined the important things in life but also where the list should ultimately be put to good use-the one and only W2FY.
Becks and Kage’s Homecoming Do’s and Don’ts
- THE FIRST AND MOST IMPORTANT RULE: It doesn’t matter if you blackout; as long as you remember dancing with Pacco life is good.
- DON’T do something the week beforehand to knock you out of commission for the event-this includes broken ankles, broken collarbones, broken wrists, mono, and other vacations to hospitals.
- DO start your day off with a nice (by college standards, of course) drink. If the weather in New England matches the weather in Mexico for Homecoming, breakfast margaritas are required.
- DO your best to look somewhat decent-there will be pictures taken and there will be Facebook tags.
- DON’T be the idiot girl OR guy who decides to wear nice shoes. Dirt field+drinks+other bodily fluids=ruined shoes. And muddy clothes when you fall down.
- DO eat something. Hot dogs and hamburgers are staples of American life, right? So stop being a pussy vegetarian and enjoy your grilled delicacy.
- DON’T be that friend who did get sick, a la Kage. They will wander down to find you to help them move their stuff back into their dorm from quarantine. If you do have a friend like that, tell them to suck it up and pick up their damn prescriptions at CVS on their own.
- DO learn how to stealthily piss in a bush. The lines for the porta-potties will be just as bad as you would imagine thousands of very drunk college kids would make them.
- DON’T start drinking again later that afternoon too soon… YOU’RE STILL FUCKIN DRUNK RETARD
- TRY not to lose your shoes…and the iPhone case that has saved your phone from the frats’ floors.
- DON’T get on Facebook when you’re fucked up…unless you like explaining to your mother why you were hammered at 2 pm.
- DO hope you remember everything, but remember that if you don’t you have still had a great time.
- DON’T wake up on the floor and proceed to the bathroom to take a shower in your clothes… you’re gonna be soaked and not very happy when you realized what happened.
- DO take another shower without clothes on because it’s bad if you can smell beer on yourself when you’re drunk
- DO live it up, hook up with some hotties that are preferably not on the same team as you… or recruits.
- THE END because the rest is blacked out
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