This phenomenon has always perplexed me. Why the hell is looking ridiculous synonymous with being really “hood”? It just doesn’t make any sense. However, I have the tips for you to at least appear like you are a G…word up my majesty!
1. Wear Enormous Clothes - This is a must and blatantly obvious. As that old farm lady in Billy Madison once said, “You ain’t cool unless you pee your pants.” Same applies here only with wearing baggy clothes. Now I hate skinny jeans (they are un-American) and therefore I wear baggy jeans, but you have to go approximately 20 to 25 centimeters (gangsters only use metric) too long to reach gangster status. In fact, if it is remotely warm out you get to wear jean shorts that make the average passerby say “Are those really long shorts or really short pants?” Everything else has to be big too: t-shirt, socks, shoes, even boxer shorts. This is so you can carry your sawed-off in your Timbs without anyone noticing.
2. Wear Dumb Accessories – Remember when Nelly wore a bandaid on his face to represent his “brother” who was incarcerated? Yeah, that was hood, and you should try your hardest to get a pen pal in jail so you can justify wearing a bandaid too. Either that or buy yourself a very large belt buckle and let that shit hang. You can’t be gangster if your belt is actually functional, everyone knows that dumbass.
3. Get Shit Carved in Your Head Daily - Have you ever seen a thug without a fresh line up? Of course you haven’t. If you don’t blow $25 on a haircut at least 3 times a week then you can’t ride with the homies. What would your boss think if you rolled in and the dollar signs shaved into the back of your head weren’t 100% visible? He would think that you are a bitch, and people who think you are a bitch get capped after the next pay cycle.
4. Ride Around on Miniature Bicycles – Whether it be a pocket bike or just a small, original, pedal bike your primary mode of transportation has to be a bike sized for an 8 year old. The requirement is that your knees must stay above your neck at all times. Oh, and the more wheels the better. You should really try your hardest to be the first person on your block with a hexa-cycle.
5. Get Dumbass Tattoos on Your Face – The Game is a primary example of this. Although he looks very friendly with a butterfly tattoo under his right eye he will probably kill you and steal all of your Benjamins in a moments notice. People in jail get tattoos all over their faces all the time, and they each run their own 8×10 block or concrete plot of land. Don’t step foot in their neighborhood or you are bound to get got!
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