Darkhorse has been getting some mail lately. We figured since every other site on the internet does it, we’d post some up here, with Darkhorse’s responses. The names have been edited to protect the innocent, of course. If you’d like to get in touch with Darkhorse, you can email him at darkhorse@w2fy.com. Enjoy the mailbag!
Dear Darkhorse:
My roommate’s a total goober. Do you know any cool pranks or tricks I can play on him?
thanks,
What’s a Goober to a Goblin?
Dear Bridge Troll,
Roommate problems are a bitch. Fuck schools for thinking that they can throw you in a room with a random schmuck and expect everything to work out. They should have some process where you get to meet people beforehand so you can make sure they aren’t a total fucking weirdo. But I digress.
Punking this kid is easy. If this kid is as much of a “goober” as you say he is then he probably does not have a lot of experience with girls. You probably do not have much experience with girls either considering you called him a “goober” but fuck it, you can always hire a hooker.
Here’s the plan: you go out one night to some party where everyone is smashed (sounds like every party ever) and where there are girls with tits the size if Jumbro’s dumb head. Smooth talk some girl (easy because her boobs suck all the blood from her head so she can’t think) and get her to come back to your room late with you. Be really quiet because your roommate is sleeping, but don’t tell her that your roommate is there, just say you have to be quiet and keep the lights off because it saves energy or some bullshit like that, and since she is in college she is definitely some hippie so she will think that you are trying to save the planet and commend you on it. Then just start going at it while standing up next to your roommate’s bed (remember, she doesn’t know he is there). Then tell her you have to hit her from behind because Captain Planet told you that it is more “green” that way and bend her probably slightly chubby ass over your roommate’s bed.
Right when you are about to blow push the girl down on the bed. Your roommate will wake up, the girl will realize that there is a kid in that bed and start flopping around like a fish out of water, and you will inevitably get some splooge on his sheets. What will happen next no one can script, but your roommate will probably be in shock because two watermelons have just crashed down on his face, the girl will probably fall off the bed and immediately pass out on the floor, and you will just be repeating that you are sorry and that you thought it was your bed. Even if he makes you clean the sheets the joke is on him; you just came on your roommate’s bed while he was in it, and there is a slightly fat chick lying on the floor ass naked who is happy as a clam. Hell, your roommate might not even be pissed because this is the first time he has ever seen tits in person and not cartooned up in some anime porn.
Is it the best prank? Not even close…so hit me up in the comments with how shitty my prank is and what you would do…but remember, mine involved you banging a chick with a huge rack and coming on your roommate’s sheets. That is a win win I must say.
—
Darkhorse–
Orientation was fucking awesome!!! but here’s the thing… I hooked up with the chick across the hall from me, and now things are really awkward. What’s my next move?
Thanks,
Sleepless in South
Dear Meg Ryan,
Your next move is a simple one: hit that shit again son, as Yogi Berra would say. What may seem like a burden to you is actually a blessing. This girl lives across the hall from you, which means that you don’t have to go anywhere to hook up with her. You can try all night to get with some really hot chick and if that fails you can still get off with the girl across the hall. She will probably fail as well and you two can wallow in your misery together.
I’m not going to lie, there is a lot of shit better than being miserable and hooking up with a girl who is miserable, just because you are both miserable. However it is still awesome, and due to the fact that I am always miserable it has happened to me quite a few times. You two both feel shitty and are down in the dumps and keep trying to one up each other about how you are more miserable when it hits: you both just realize that you should stop acting like 12 year olds and start boning like the 18 year olds you are.
What is important though is that you continue to hook up with other girls. If you don’t she will start to cling on to you because you are her shoulder to cry on and that is gross. You can’t let her know that you are playing up your miserable card just to get her to unlock the vault and give you free reign of the jewels. And if she turns out to be a stage 5 clinger you can always leave a flaming bag of shit outsider her door…
When will women learn…?
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DarkHorse,
I think my Hebrew TA wants to bone me… is this kosh?
thoughts?
Hebrew Hammer
Dear Hebrew National Hot Dog,
A tricky question indeed and one that has plagued me for a long time now. To answer your question though I will tell you that it is ok to bone your TA and it is in fact encouraged that you do so. You should take every opportunity to smush your TAs and professors and coaches and hall monitors, especially if they are still wearing their sashes. The attractiveness of a TA goes up tenfold when you find out that she is actually at TA. A kinda beat chick suddenly becomes boneable when she is a useless assistant to a professor. Honestly, TAs don’t do shit, well except for bang out their “students” and make them feel better about themselves.
The real answer to this question depends on a lot of things, like are you Jewish? is she Jewish? if she is Jewish how Jewish is she (kosher etc.)? and the list goes on. For the sake of argument I will assume that you are both Jewish but she is lax about the whole “can’t eat dairy and meat in the same meal” deal but you follow this rule to the T. This poses a significant problem to the slamfest you have planned. Because she is your TA you are going to have to do ridiculous things with/to this broad to make the story much better for your friends, because that is two-thirds of what college is all about.
In doing said ridiculous things you are going to half to toss this chick’s salad. I am sorry but it is a must, and if she is any sort of hygienic and psychic she will see this coming and make sure it is really clean for you. But wait a minute soldier…this cadet eats meat and dairy in the same meal. This means that mixed food products have recently passed by this girl’s BH. Can you masticate this girl from behind? I guess we will never know… unless someone asks a Rabbi if you can.
So sack up Hebrew students. One of you needs to ask your Rabbi if you can toss a non-kosher girl’s salad. That is your mission.
I sometimes sicken even myself…
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That’s it. Tune in next week for another exciting Dear Darkhorse. If you have questions, comments, or concerns, let The Darkhorse know by email (darkhorse@w2fy.com) or in the comments below.
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