Darkhorse has been getting some mail lately. We figured since every other site on the internet does it, we’d post some up here, with Darkhorse’s responses. The names have been edited to protect the innocent, of course. If you’d like to get in touch with Darkhorse, you can email him at darkhorse@w2fy.com. Enjoy the mailbag!
Dear Darkhorse:
I’m a girl and I’m trying to hook up with this guy…. what do I need to do to get some action?
Help me,
Sluttttttt
Dear Slampiece,
Call me.
No seriously, you should call me because the guy you are going after definitely does not like girls. Here’s what you could do though if you think he will hook up with a girl anyway: go up to this guy and punch him straight in the face; that will get his attention. Then tell him to meet you at your room in 20 minutes. This gives the guy 10 minutes to get shit on by his friends and 10 minutes to get to your room. Even if this mother fucker doesn’t want to hook up with you he will, because his friends will call him a bitch.
In the meantime, you must hustle back to your room and change in to tearaway pants and a T shirt. When this tard opens the door clock him again in the face right away. He will stumble back and probably cover his face for a few seconds. In the time it takes him to recover and open his eyes, your clothes will already be off and you will standing there completely naked (props to the guy who invented tearaway clothes). There is absolutely no chance at this point that this guy will not have sex with you. This will also probably be the best sex you have had in a while.
Oh, and remember to kick him out after you guys finish. That way he will have to go back to his boys and tell them what happened. Now you can hook up with him again on will or you can never talk to him again. You don’t even have to hit him anymore and if he ever asks about the first time you did just say something like “I wanted to have sex with you and you were being a bitch.” Tons of other guys will want a piece of that now too, so you’re welcome
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Dear Darkhorse:
Thanks,
So needy, it hurts
Dear n00b,
I will answer your second question first. When you are not getting dismantled you should be networking with your other freshman while wearing your cardigan tied around your neck with one sleeve purposely longer than the other… It’s orientation bro, you need to live it up by pounding vag and Natty Ice.
Anyone who has been to college knows that orientation is the best shit ever because there are no classes, all of your friends are back (not for you because you are a freshman with no friends), there are ignorant pieces of ass running around waiting to be caught, and the weather is still really nice. That sounds like a perfect opportunity to drink some drank and aim your finger banger at just about every chick that walks by you.
To your first question: getting laid for the first time is going to be a little bit tricky. I am assuming you haven’t been laid before due to the fact that you also asked me what you should do when you aren’t drinking, which tells me you don’t have drunken unprotected sex with girls who you should be having protected sex with. Not to worry, I still have advice that is guaranteed to get you laid: slip rohypnol in her drink and coax her away from her ”friends” she met that day. That is the only guaranteed way for you to get ass. It is also the only guaranteed way that you will get ass for the next 2-4 years seeing as you will likely be in a corrections facility, but I hear Billerica is nice this time of year.
Dear Darkhorse–
You da man,
Jungle fever
Dear afro,
This gives you a perfect opportunity to compromise with this broad. She wants you shaven but you want to look absolutely disgusting, so you guys should meet in the middle. Why don’t you try trimming the hair on your raisins. This way you can make it like you are compromising with her (listening to her feelings but only after an argument gives you 1 pt) and you can by hygienic at the same time.
I don’t care how often you shower but you should never have a forest growing around your stump. I don’t know when this “don’t ever groom your shit” fad started but it has got to go. I know, I know; you are a hipster and it ruins your hipster cred if you are even remotely hygienic but maybe you should grow up. How do you expect to get dome when she can’t even find your statue? Now I know what some of you are thinking, “Darkhorse you fool, I get blown all the time from my girlfriend and I don’t even touch that hair.” Well guess what, you might as well buy that girl a ring now because she is a stage 5 clinger and she literally has you by the balls An ancient proverb once said “He who does not tame his fruit gets it tamed by a fruit.”
Fortunately it is not too late. You still have time to trim your seaweed (use a 1 attachment) and dump that hooker you call a girlfriend. It’s college.
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That’s it. Tune in next week for another exciting Dear Darkhorse. If you have questions, comments, or concerns, let The Darkhorse know by email (darkhorse@w2fy.com) or in the comments below.
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