I asked my buddy from Ohio State for some advice on hittin’ on bitches when you’re a freshman, since, believe it or not, he gets more ass than I do. Here’s his advice. If you have any of your own, sound off in the comments.
It’s getting close to that time of year… time to stop troughing out the only chick you could convince to bang you in that nowhere town you were stuck in all summer for that lame job your dad made you take by threatening to stop paying your tuition. It’s time to get your game right and finally bang the one chick you’ve been meaning to for the last 2 years, but always got way to hammered to follow through with. It’s time for chicks to make fun of their sorority sisters because they haven’t slept with you.
Well… unless you’re a freshman…
See the problem with you, freshman, is that you don’t know your head from your ass. The only chick you’ve even remotely fooled around with happened to be your mom when she breast fed you. But not to worry, when it comes to hitting on chicks and laying pipe you don’t have to be totally clueless. I’ve got 5 tips for you that are sure to get the shinkwrap off your dick faster than a beer chug from Darkhorse.
- Try to meet at least one random person a day. This not only gets you used to talking to people you don’t know, but will expand your social network faster than the Jersey Shore is spreading HPV. Look, when the time comes for you to start hitting on a chick at the bar, you’re not going to want to sit there stumbling over your words and only manage to drool out a few syllables. Start by getting comfortable talking with people you don’t know then start getting comfortable “talking” with people you will probably forget.
- Never ask what year chicks are. Nothing says I’m a pathetic freshman more than dropping the “what year are you question” in the middle of a conversation with a chick. This is especially true if you find yourself lucky enough to get into a bar with your shitty, McLovin fake ID. If you’re going to ask anything, ask what she is studying and then pretend to care. Her response is obviously about how she loves animals so much…blah blah blah… cute and cuddly…blah blah… so that’s why she is studying zoology, so name drop Jane Goodall and those monkeys were awesome, slinging poop and shit, then move on to the next topic. You’ve instantly got the “he’s such a good listener cred” and she’ll tell her friends how cute you were cause you cared about what she likes.
- “No” isn’t a rejection, it’s an opportunity. This may be the biggest misunderstanding of all time. Every time I get shut down (yes, I know it’s rare but it has happened on occasion by someone obviously visually impaired) I tell myself that this is an opportunity, not a moment of shame. I have just spent 5 minutes on this chick to find out what may have taken me all night, she is a lesbian. You’ve still got the rest of the night to find a chick bring home, and all because the others were kind enough to be up front with you and tell you they liked to munch box. Don’t take no as a rejection, but as an opportunity to prove to everyone else that you are willing to grind on every piece of ass till you find someone dumb enough to shack with a freshman.
- Being nice gets you nowhere. Now I know you are freshman, and can’t be expected to know anything, but this is a pretty standard rule. The only place being nice gets you is a one way express ticket to the friend zone. Tell me the last time you saw a smoke show walking across campus with some dude and you said to yourself, “man, he looks like a really nice guy.” Doesn’t happen! I’ve got more from just saying what I thought straight up than dancing around the subject. Don’t be afraid to make moves and let chicks know when they are hot…or when they’re not. You’ll end up being knows as “honest” with all the 10’s and a “fucking asshole” by everyone you didn’t care to talk to in the first place.Now, don’t get me wrong…being nice isn’t totally out of the question, you just need to know when it’s appropriate. You should be nice to the chick who has all the friends you want to bang… just don’t let them get it twisted. Let them know you want to bang their friends, and that they should help you. Otherwise, you’re likely to end up with a stage 5 clinger who cock blocks you with everyone because she thinks your “just sooo nice”. Fuck that…
- Be discrete. A wise man told me, “Buckeye, there once were 2 bulls high above a pasture, overlooking a herd of cattle grazing below. The young bull, full of energy and excitement looked at the older bull said, ‘Let’s run down there and get us one!’ The old, wise bull paused, thought, and replied ‘No. We walk down there and get them all.’”Now, as you are freshman and therefore dumb, the moral of this story is to be discrete about your business. There is no reason your business should be spreading around campus like wildfire, and you need to make sure that whoever you happen to take home that night knows that. Now I am sure she won’t want to be known as a whore (unless she is a whore, in which case it actually affects her pay if people don’t know…) and you need to make sure you let her know that whatever you two do will only stay between you
I’ve saved this last one for last because…well to be honest, it’s because it’s the one that will end up making or breaking your year and maybe your life. Now it is possible to meet the girl of your dreams right off the jump in college and to never want to sleep with anyone else ever again, but if you’re like other 100% of men, you will never want to get married and only forced to because you’re not stupid rich and 20 something year olds just don’t find wrinkles attractive.
If you can master this last tip, then you are set up for 4 years (5 if you’re lucky) of heaven…unless the world is actually over in 2012.
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