It’s almost that time of year where innocent young freshman head off to the great unknown of college for four (or more) years of heavy drinking, questionable morals, and sporadic learning. It’s the best time of the year!
Now since I spend most of my free time stalking cute girls on Facebook, I’ve been seeing a lot of status updates from these new bright-eyed and bushy-tailed students. And you know what guys? Your statuses suck. And you know what else? So do your profile pictures and a whole bunch of other things on your profile.
But don’t worry, I’m here to help. Outlined below are five simple things you can change on your profile before you get to school to make sure you get laid. Because really, that’s what college really comes down to. After the jump, see what you shouldn’t be doing, and what you should be doing instead. I guarantee this shit will get you a sloppy DFMO, and that’s a Jumbro Promise.
Don’t make your profile picture you in your graduation gown with all your friends. This is a classic rookie mistake. Once you get to college, no one cares that you graduated high school. Big whoop dude, so did everyone else on campus. In fact, you’re here because you did. I don’t care if you’re the first person in your entire family to graduate high school, college doesn’t have room for this amateur hour bullshit.
Do this instead: Change your profile picture to a small crop of just you drinking a beer. It lets people know you’re down to party. Girls, if you’re hot, show it off. I’m talking skimpy skirts and bikinis and shit. If you’re not hot, just delete your FB profile, cause you won’t have any friends once you get to school.
Don’t make your status “gonna miss everyone in [insert hometown], but sooooo excited to get to [insert college]!!!!]. Wanna know what this shouts? “I’ve never been outside my hometown besides a visit to my grandparents when I was five, so I can’t wait to pretend I’m well traveled and know interesting things!”
Do this instead: Don’t change your Facebook status at all. You really shouldn’t be doing this anyway, it comes off as self-absorbed and narcissistic (and this is coming from the world’s biggest narcissist). You should be trying to portray as much apathy as possible when you get to school. Like it’s no big deal that you got to college, you’ve been living the dream since high school. This is just the next logical step in life.
Don’t show yourself as “In a Relationship.” When you do this you’re basically telling the entire world that you will not be partying at school. Instead, you’ll be alone in your room video chatting with your homely girlfriend while your chill as shit roommates getting a blowjob on the Quad. Don’t be that guy.
Do this instead: The best thing to do in this case is break up with your girlfriend minutes before you get out of the car at school. This brings her down easy and she won’t have to spend the summer pining about you. With luck, she’ll be so broken up she gets laid first night out and forgets about you instantly. Alternatively, make it so people can’t see your relationship status. This adds an air of mystery to your profile, and girls totally are into sketchy dudes who may or may not be in relationships. Whatever you do, don’t go in with a “Complicated Relationship.” That’s just poor play.
Don’t have a wall filled with goodbyes from your high school friends. This plays right into tip number one. You’re in college now, no one cares who your shitty high school friends were. It’s even worse if all the posts are like “miss youuuu sooooo much!!!!” and dumb shit like that. You’re going to college, it’s time to forget where you came from and reinvent yourself.
Do this instead: Delete your whole wall besides posts from hot girls that can be interpreted as sexual. This, again, shows that you like to party. This, I repeat, is the most important thing to broadcast going into college. You wanna be the dude that people look at and say “hey, I bet he likes to party.” Hot girls posting on your wall reinforces this notion—because if they’re writing on your wall, odds are you fucked them, or at least got a sloppy make out in a closet. Eitherway, it’s a sign of success.
Don’t have pictures of you when you were fat in your profile pictures. No one like a fat friend, period. In your profile pictures, you never want to display yourself as anything but attractive and down to get sweaty, sloppy, and weird. On the other hand, photos of you in any condition are fair game when they’re tagged by someone else. When you have unflattering photos of you in your “Photos of You” section, it shows you don’t care what you like like, you just wanna have fun. So when you’re going back through memory lane, just remember how much fun it was when you were covered in sharpie, had a shaved head, and shotgunned a Four Loko—but there’s no need to untag.
Do this instead: As I said in tip number one, you want a simple photo of you drinking a beer as your profile picture. Make sure it’s you drinking casually, so people know even though you’re totally down to get wild, you still can enjoy a cold one when the time comes. After you pass your main profile picture, have a few more that showcase your better attributes—you playing a sport, you with a hot chick, you smoking a cigar with your dad, you naked and funneling a beer off a roof. You know, that sort of thing.
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