If you are reading this you can immediately split yourselves up into two groups, guys and girls. If you are a guy skip directly to the next paragraph, I will get back with you in a second. If you are a girl you fall into either one of three categories: 1) You are reading this because you are friends of the writer or site managers; 2) You stumbled across the site by accident and got intrigued by the pretty pictures; 3) You are currently a facebook stalking pro and want to make sure that I am not missing anything that the guys should be doing.
Now back to the gentlemen readers. For you all I’m not going to split you up into any groups, because you all need this information. And it’s not that I don’t think some of you are cool and have all the friends you need, but as a freshman to be, or someone who just wants to learn what you need to do to stalk people via facebook, everyone can use a refresher. The tips I am going to give you are pretty simple. You don’t need to be straight out of the movie “Real Genius” with Val Kilmer (which you should all check out by the way) to facebook stalk, you just need two very simple things, hands and eyes. First of all there is no rule as to who you can stalk, friend or enemy, but lets talk about the most important kind right here, the girl you want to hook up with stalk. And let’s be honest there are going to be times when you won’t even remember the facebook stalking you did the previous day, as you wake up with a half used box of Kleenex an open bottle of purell and a Blue-Ray copy of Precious playing on your PS3. So here just for you guys are three easy things for you all to remember:
- Don’t Poke: The first lesson in facebook stalking is to remain like the BP cleanup effort – nonexistent. There is never a good time for you to casually poke someone, even if you know them. The only poking you should be doing is after you have already facebook stalked the crap out of a girl, recognized that she will be at a party the next Saturday night, made friends with her one ugly friend who just so happened to be in you intro to religion class, and gotten in good enough that she knows you are mysterious and dangerous but doesn’t really know who you are. This is a really easy one to accomplish, just don’t poke. Easy. Done.
- You can never just stalk one person there is always a group. This is a very simple and pretty easy to accomplish feat. All you need to do is not be a goon about it. When you find someone to fbook stalk, do it to the fullest extent of your ability. Let’s be serious, did Barry Bonds do all those steroids because he wanted to come really close to breaking the single season home run record. Fuck no he didn’t. He wanted to annihilate the record. And really if this all boils down to one thing, don’t be a pussy. If you are going to stalk a hot girl on facebook you can’t go into it half-assed. It’s not like Sarah Palin’s political career, if you don’t succeed on your first try, you have to do it better or much more intensely. You cant just quit in the middle of a job.
- The last thing that I want to tell you about Facebook stalking is that no matter how bad you feel about stalking someone, and how hard you tell yourself it’s a one time thing, facebook stalking is like black-tar heroin. There is always going to be a part of you that wants to go back to the homepage, check if you have any new message, see if any new photos have been posted, then go right back into the fold. Once you stalk it’s a never ending cycle and you may as well just drop your account, throw your computer down a well and wave goodbye to any of the misplaced humanity you thought you still had left. To put it lightly facebook stalking is accomplished very easily. You need to get good at looking through photos of your stalkee until you find one that has a person in it you know. You either do that or you look through enough wall posts to fill a book, then find out what the person likes to eat, when their birthday is, the best friend from high school who misses their seeing their face in calc class, and any other special information you can use to make a much more creepy and informed in person stalking.
But really, in all honesty the best type of facebook stalker is the guy who can transition from stalker on computer, to growing a pair of nuts and going out and actually talking to the girl. And now I will break you guys up into groups. There are eventually two types of guys, the Buzz Aldrin types, those who move out and take that first step on the moon, guys who read this article and move in on the girl they spent 100 megabites of bandwith stalking, the other type, who end up stalking all night and checking out Miley Cyrus pics till they fall asleep with one hand in their pants and a half empty pizza box. Don’t be that guy.
Happy Stalking folks.
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